The Dysfunctional Family Gift Guide: Solving Your Holiday Headaches
Christmas with the family is always an adventure. Someone’s forgotten the crackers, the oven’s on the blink, and Nan’s already making eyes at the Baileys. It’s a perfectly British disaster, and we’re here to make sure everyone’s glass is full and spirits are high (pun intended). Here's your ultimate boozy gift guide for the characters you know and love... and even the ones you try to avoid.
1. “Big Pete” – Your Drunk Granddad
A Classic Blended Whiskey
Big Pete’s been commandeering his armchair since 1983, regaling everyone with exaggerated tales of his youth. Make sure he’s got a decent whiskey in hand, so he can drink, doze, and repeat all day long.
2. “Sweet Eileen” – Your Cardigan-Clad Nan
A Lovely Bottle of Gin
Eileen’s never without her knitting needles and a cheeky giggle. A proper gin and tonic will have her spilling the village gossip faster than you can say “Queen’s speech.”
3. “Carol” – Your Carol-Singing Mum
Mulled Wine & Snowball Cocktails
Carol lives up to her name, bustling about with a festive apron and a Christmas playlist on loop. Keep her energised with mulled wine during dinner prep and a retro Snowball once the turkey’s finally served.
4. “Glam Gemma” – Your Influencer Sister
Prosecco & Mimosa Kits
Glam Gemma’s got a new outfit and a fresh set of nails ready for every family selfie. Spoil her with bubbly Prosecco and a Mimosa kit to make her TikToks sparkle.
5. “DIY Dave” – Your Beer-Loving Dad
Cans of Classic Beer
DIY Dave’s already checked that the shed's fully insulated, so now he’s parked on the sofa with a beer in hand. Make sure he’s well-stocked with his favourite cans for a proper dad-style Christmas.
6. “Geeky Sam” – Your Nerdy Brother
Captain Morgan’s & Coke
Sam’s knee-deep in his latest Lego set or explaining how “The Matrix” was ahead of its time. Gift him a Captain Morgan’s to sip on while he explains quantum computing for the third time.
7. “Weird Nigel” – Your Eccentric Neighbour
A Rich Bottle of Red Wine
Nigel’s been watching the street from behind his curtains and has about ten conspiracy theories ready to share. Hand him a bold red wine, and maybe he’ll finally tell you what really happened to that missing gnome.
8. “Rockin’ Robbie” – Your Heavy Metal Uncle
A Hard-Hitting Whiskey
Robbie’s drumming on the table and ready to air-guitar to Smoke on the Water. Only the smokiest whiskey will do for this legend, who might end up headbanging in the kitchen before the Queen’s speech.
9. “Posh Patsy” – Your Boujee Aunty
Champagne
Patsy’s got her designer heels on, and she’s not here to mess about. The only way to toast with Patsy is with a glass of luxury Champagne, darling. Bonus points if you get the pronunciation right.
10. “Cheeky Doris” – Your Baileys-Loving Nan
A Bottle of Baileys
Doris is forever cheeky, forever laughing, and forever putting Baileys in her coffee. Keep her smiling through the family chaos with her favourite creamy liqueur.
11. “Gentle George” – Your Other Grandad
A Smooth Brandy
George has been observing the shenanigans with a twinkle in his eye and a dry chuckle. A smooth brandy will keep him warm, even when the heating’s on full blast and Pete’s falling asleep in his armchair.
No Drama, Just Gifts: We've Got Everyone Covered!
Whether it’s a classy Champagne toast or Nigel rambling about UFOs over red wine, we’ve got something for every family character. Stock up and brace yourselves—Christmas is coming!
